( he knows enough. sanji leaving at all is enough to solidify him in zoro's mind. that's not what you do when you swear an oath of loyalty. knowing more than that would probably have zoro declaring sanji an enemy despite everything. )
I'd rather die than kiss you, shitty cook.
But if my captain asked it of me, I'd do it without complaint. Even if I hated every second of it. Even if it made my stomach churn. I'd do it because I'd do anything that my captain asks! I'd never deny him! I'd never turn my back on him! If you can't do that much, how can you call yourself a member of our crew?!
( leave it to zoro to turn a conversation about kissing into something serious. even if he's [mostly] forgiven him, zoro clearly isn't over it. the rage he feels isn't comically overblown like it usually is; it's real and it's immovable. )
Say something for yourself! Tell me that isn't the kind of man you are! Tell me I haven't been fighting alongside someone who speaks empty words alone!
[ when he'd left, he'd already known which of the crew would scramble to try to get him back, conjuring up excuses in his favor. he'd seen it after all, how luffy and nami-san came racing with chopper and brook behind them. zoro hadn't been there to collect him, but it wouldn't have taken much to understand what might have went through the swordsman's mind whenever he'd learn sanji had left them all.
after all, it'd been a long time since they'd secured an understanding of one another. despite the way they push and pull, the way zoro's sharp edges clash against sanji's smoother ones, or their alternate directions of interests (with zoro's directions persistently getting themselves lost), there'd been an unspoken vow they'd eventually found, about their mutual roles in this crew β protectors of the others, loyal confidence that when one isn't there, the other would be there to hold them together.
for all their rivalry, they'd been equals.
so, of course zoro would despise him for betraying that trust, something silently promised between them β and, in truth, sanji could hardly blame him. he's been swearing at himself since the moment he'd left zou, doubt still present in his heated chest.
even as his arms and fists shake now, he's almost glad that zoro can't see the way he becomes unsteady from the obvious accusation. ]
You don't think I know the crew deserves better!? That our captain does!?
[ he finally snaps with clenching teeth, breathing harder as the blood boils within him. it's hard to tell whether his anger is really directed at zoro anymore. possibly, he's needed someone to accuse him, angry at the way luffy had waited for him, starved for him. even the sting of nami's slap hadn't been enough punishment.
this isn't about kissing anymore. that much is clear. ]
Leaving was supposed to keep them safe. It was supposed toβ I thought I wasβ
[ excuses are empty. excuses don't work on zoro. they have too much respect for one another for that, or at least, they used to, before he broke it. no, there's only room for truth. ]
If it's kissing someone, marrying someone, fighting to the brink of my last breath, dying, I'd do it to protect Luffy. To protect all of them.
[ To protect you goes unsaid, but it's just as clear in the tightness of his voice, convicted with each word. ]
( how had zoro described it back in alabasta? everyone should do what they can with their lives on the line, and then say to the next guy: i did what i could; now it's your turn. if you don't finish it, i'll come and kick your ass.
how is zoro supposed to do that when the next guy isn't there? )
The captain never wanted 'better'! He only wanted you!
( zoro's being deliberate with his choice of pronouns here, loud as they are. none of this is about him. it's all about "us," and "the crew," and "the captain," leaving things like "I" and "me" as far away from the conversation as possible. zoro doesn't have any opinions on the matter. he doesn't. even if his voice is rising and he has to actively tell himself not to crush the snail [?] between his fingers, it's not because he has any person feelings towards sanji and his decisions.
everything he says is nothing more than the channeled spirit of the collective mugiwara. that's all.
part of him wants to make this call a video so sanji will be forced to see his face, but he maintains some respect for the man's pride. he can hear in sanji's voice that he's being affected in some way, so there's no point in humiliating him with the added insult of video. soon enough, they'll talk in person, and zoro might have to fight him for real to release this rage. )
Don't speak about keeping us safe. I don't want to hear that from you. There's nothing we can't face, so don't give me that.
If you believed Luffy to be the man who'll become King of Pirates, you'd know there's no reason to try to protect us on your own. We never needed to be security; we can take care of ourselves. We needed you, useless cook! Without that much, how are we supposed toβ?!
( not about him. not about his feeling of betrayal, and disappointment, and [loosely, distantly, intangibly] heartbreak. that last word isn't something he'd ever, ever put to this, but to think someone he's come to regard as one of his own would blindsight him so thoroughly... that's heartbreaking. it makes zoro a fool for ever trusting him, so it's a good thing none of this is about him. )
[ He only wanted you, as if sanji hadn't already known that, still hearing luffy's cries that he wouldn't take a bite of any food that hadn't been made by his hands, remembering how he happily ate up the meal of all their favorites as if it hadn't been turned to slop by rain. he doesn't need to be reminded of it.
this isn't supposed to be like this. this isn't the way that he and zoro communicate. there should be the swing of metal through the air, the friction of his soles sliding against the ground before his leg lifts, the jam of his knee against the hilt of a sword. they should be gritting teeth as eyes burn, swears shouted to evoke the heat of the fight.
the use of words, of voicing out truth and accusations β this isn't how they do things. not them. but not doing this face to face in this moment means this is all they have, and while sanji at least can spare some of his dignity by hiding his face, he can't disguise the guilt laced in the sound of his voice.
but it also means that zoro can't hide himself either, not his anger and whatever else lives in his rising volume. for someone who's always maintained a steadiness amongst the group while the rest live on unchecked emotion, it's telling that sanji's actions were repulsive enough to have an effect even on him. hearing it in his tone nearly makes sanji sink down, his hand brushing over his face in quiet shame, teeth biting hard on his lip. ]
Of course I did.
[ his voice isn't loud, maybe a part of him even hoping it isn't heard. at least without zoro in front of him, he can pretend he's just talking to himself. ]
I never wanted to leave. I never meant to hide anything. That part of my past was supposed to be gone. It never even wanted me. Not likeβ
[ not like their crew. like luffy. like the pirates on baratie. like zeff. all of the people that made up his real family, the way that germa never could be. ]
You knocked me away. [ he says suddenly, as if something else comes to mind, distant as it reels itself back to his memory. ] Two years ago β Kuma took Luffy's pain and gave it to you. It was supposed to be me and you'd didn't let me. You beared it all by yourself, so why the hell can't I!?
( there are parts that zoro can't fault sanji for, and there are parts that zoro absolutely faults him for.
the past shouldn't matter; they can all agree on that. that's a point in sanji's favor since, after all, there are any number of their crewmates who started off as their enemies at one point or another. so long as a person is loyal now, it shouldn't matter who they were before. zoro would be fine with that if sanji hadn't erroneously chosen his past rather placing faith in his crew to find a way to handle things in the present. that's what zoro would do, at least. if it were him. he'd never leave luffy's side, no matter how great the danger is.
speaking of luffy: )
What are you doing, bringing something like that up now? Are you trying to piss me off further?! Damn it, cook! It's not aboutβ!
( there's the bright, clinking sound of metal against metal, and then there's nothing but silence. )
[ it probably isn't fair to bring up a moment like that after so long, but it's never stopped mattering to sanji. by then, they'd already found equal ground with one another, past the constant frustration he had initially faced to prove that he and zoro could stand on the same footing. but instead of standing side by side that day, zoro had taken on all of the pain on his own, letting himself be the only sacrifice β either because of his own stubbornness or from some belief that sanji couldn't bear it like he could, he can't say, since talking about anything has never been their way.
years later, sanji couldn't even do something as simple as getting married for the sake of trying to prevent pain on his friends. what does that say about his own worth to stand at zoro's side as equals? all his sacrifices did was make things worse, in the end. especially when it turned out, it hadn't even mattered. big mom would have betrayed germa anyway and he'd just be dead. he'd hurt his own captain to play hero and it'd been for nothing.
if he's bringing up the past now, it's only because he knows he can't measure up to it.
but then suddenly, zoro's voice is gone, cut off too suddenly that sanji's left to wonder if the idiot had somehow been talking while walking aimlessly and fell into a hole or something. ]
Zoroβ?
[ it might just be because of the weight of their conversation that he's actually concerned about the silence of it (worried? why the hell would he ever be worried??), disrupted only when eventually a message comes through, the name attached recognizable from when he'd spoken to tsukuyo.
in reading the message, whatever self-guilt that had been bubbling up dissolves to be replaced by directed anger again, the source of how he was able to deliver those words annoying the hell out of him (That hypocritical bastard, I swear I'm gonna send him to hell), and possibly even more heated still because he's now aware of the vulnerability he'd allowed himself in that spare moment. ]
I DON'T NEED TO WASTE MY TIME TALKING TO YOU ANYWAY, YOU SHITTY BASTARD
shut up you're my crew, so you obviously have to talk to me don't be stupid
( which isn't a proclamation of forgiveness; it just is what it is. if luffy says sanji is a member of their crew, that's all there is to it. his own thoughts about it don't matter. even if there was a time where zoro was certain he'd never see that smug, swirly-browed face again [because sanji made his choice], he didn't allow himself to be weighted down by it because luffy said that wasn't happening. if luffy said he'd get sanji, then he'd get sanji.
and he did.
still, it doesn't mean that zoro is done with this. the tension's been broken, but it's going to have to build again. neither of them are finished extinguishing their feelings; he's certain of that.
damn it. why does it matter that it's sanji, anyway? his least favorite member of the crew. the one he tells to die at least three times a day, and that's on a good day. he shouldn't care if he turned out to be a misguided traitor, a person who turned his back on luffy. some part of zoro could have expected it, but he never did. for all his many, [many, many, many] faults, sanji's loyalty was never in question. neither was his dedication, or his compassion, or anything that really mattered.
thinking about this is going to piss him off all over again. )
[ for a second, he considers pointing out that "shut up" and "you have to talk to me" are contradicting statements, proving even further how stupid zoro is, mostly because he's looking for any present excuse to criticize him as a whole just to steer back away from everything he'd just finished confessing.
but the part that he lingers on is "you're my crew", because it reminds sanji that they happen to be the only strawhats present in this city, which means that, whether sanji wants to admit it or not, even more so than all the attractive women he's come across β zoro is the most important person that's currently with him here.
except immediately as the thought snakes through him, he feels the urge to gag so he just pretends it never crossed his mind at all. of course it would be his luck to get stranded somewhere with the marimo instead of nami-san or robin-chan.
minutes ago, he'd dreaded the idea of being in front of him, knowing he couldn't stand having to face the weight of his guilt with zoro's accusations, aware of how justified he'd been to slam him with it. but as zoro makes his offer now, the fire in him ignites, stronger than a craving for a cigarette, hot and burning for it, for the only way they've ever been able to attempt settling their differences, their anger, their trials β fighting it out.
whether it's from the unresolved frustration towards the swordsman or the need for self-inflicted punishment, he wants to taste the cut of blood on his lips, to feel the sting of bruises against his ribs, to hear the animalistic snarl in his own throat. leave it to zoro to be the only one capable of getting sanji to want to be unclean, to be improper, to meet feral with feral. ]
presumably, it was meant to give some sort of landmark or identifying feature to help sanji figure out a way to the ship, but sanji should know by now that any question containing βwhereβ has no business being anywhere near zoro.
which is to say the photo is blurry, and crooked, and zoroβs finger is in the way. thereβs something pale in the background that could be sand? but it could just as easily be a sun glare.
nothing about this is usuable, but zoro still has the audacity to add: )
here
donβt waste my time by being late
forced to write a tag 2x longer than it needs to be bc zoro sucks!!!
[ ..... what the fuck is he supposed to do with this??
no doubt the picture is completely useless, which, really, sanji expected to begin with (though he had hoped there'd at least be a little more to go on, even if he knew exact directions were never going to be a possibility). there's no point in asking for another or for zoro to provide a little more insight on his location, because there's no chance for any new enlightening clues to pop up from that. ]
Shut up. I'll be there.
[ one way or another because at least, unlike zoro, sanji's fairly good at using context clues to make his way around a city and find his way to where he needs to go. the fact that it's a ship is already enough to narrow down that he'll be at the docks, which eliminates everything inland and gives him somewhere to go to begin his search. the travel to the naval quarter isn't too much trouble to start, but narrowing it down from there will require some investigation.
too bad he's already running dangerously low on cigarettes, aware that this hunt could take him all night because of fucking course the marimo would make him work for a damn fight. fortunately, that'll just help to fuel his desire to kick the shit out of him.
sanji makes polite conversation with the locals in the area, slipping into the trident to ask around if anyone's seen a green-haired idiot with a scarred eye and whether they might know where he lives, because chances are zoro's made his presence frequent at the local taverns. he might not get a description of a ship, but he does get a waitress who says she usually sees him heading off in a certain direction whenever he leaves. once he thanks her (and ogles for a minute), he begins to walk in the opposite direction of where she pointed, since he doubts zoro would have ever had good instincts on which way to actually return to.
more questions are asked, more locals are spoken to, gradually gaining pinches of hints here and there, thanks to the way the idiot tends to stand out, and though it takes much longer than zoro might have hoped, sanji eventually comes across a sailor who's seen him appear a few times on a specific ship, even pointing out the exact one, finally granting an end to this scavenger hunt.
at long last, sanji stands on the dock, a nearly burnt out cigarette between his lips, curly brow furrowed with ever heightening frustration, certainly looking like a man who came looking for a fight. ]
( the ship itself isn't anywhere near the size of the sunny, or even merry. it's not a pirating ship, but some kind of battleship made tame. compact, dangerous, full of rooms in need of TLC. and sanji sure is taking his sweet time to get here and check them all out, which means zoro has time to ponder things he generally doesn't like to waste time thinking about. sitting on the deck of the ship, he contemplates drinking beforehand, but decides it's better to be clear-headed if this ends up being the day he actually, finally, really-truly kills sanji.
...
as if he really wants that.
for one, luffy would never forgive him for killing their cook. he'd be beside himself, and zoro can't be responsible for a thing like that. that's the only [only!!] reason he hasn't cut sanji down before: because his captain needs him. everything zoro does, he does for luffy. it's not like zoro needs him. zoro will eat anything; it doesn't have to come from that chef's hands.
while he waits, he flicks his swords from their sheathes and replaces them. over and over, lost in his own thoughts, until he catches a glaring, swirly-browed eye in the reflection of one. it's all the warning he gets before a purple-booted foot comes sailing his way, and he barely has time to block it with the flat of shusui as he leaps to his feet. with the way her leg extends to kick at zoro again and again, her maid's dress should be flying all over and giving people eyefuls, but magically it stays modestly in place. her long hair covers half of her face, but the half that isn't shaded in blonde looks furious. )
You've got a shitty caller down on the deck waiting for you! What the hell are you doing, wasting your time like this?! Be a good host for once and accept his call, moron!
Shut up! I've had enough out of you already!
Is that any way to talk to a lady, stupid marimo?! Accept his call and receive him properly! Do you think you're in any position to turn down a proposal?!
I said shut up! I'm not putting up with any more of this stupid courtingβ!
( the flurry of blades, and kicks, and whipping blonde hair gets disrupted when a fucking anchor comes flying towards zoro. he deflects it by batting it towards the dock, right at sanji, either accidentally or on purpose. )
Receive him, shithead!
Fine!
( he peers over the ledge of the ship, where sanji hopefully has been flattened to a pancake. )
COME GET TEA, ASSHOLE!
What kind of shitty reception was that?! How do you expect to be wed with that sort of shitty attitude?!
[ sanji hopes he isn't here. maybe by some luck, the idiot wandered off the side of the ship and sunk down in the water, pulled down by some heavy chains. it seems such a satisfying thought for a few brief seconds before he realizes the disappointment he'd feel in not getting to bash his heel in his face himself. between that clumsy incident at the ball, the entire living situation with tsukuyo-chan, and the weight of their conversation over his abandonment, sanji has more than enough excuses to want to knock zoro around, and the promise of facing those blades with his boots is the only thing that keeps him devoted to this hunt to find him.
( there's no underlying concern in it, nothing about the subtle worry he'd expressed to tsukuyo about whether zoro had become malnutritioned without him around knowing he'd be doing nothing but drinking booze and ingesting anything without too much care, nothing about seeking the comforting reassurance of having one of his nakama with him in this place, nothing about wanting to look zoro in the eye to make sure he knows that the trust they'd held for one another had never been a lie even if he'd screwed things up β
no, he just wants a fight to fuel his anxious frustration through something and be rewarded with the idiot's bloody face beneath his heel. )
when he hears a pair of screaming voices, he briefly wonders if it's tsukuyo on board, before he sees a flashing blonde blur over the side that strikes him with a different kind of familiarity that he can't immediately put his finger, not before he's immediately sidetracked by the suddenly flying anchor that shoots right in his direction. ]
That fuckingβ!
[ he swiftly hops up, long legs spinning through the air as his body swirls with power, just in time for his foot to meet the anchor right before it collides into him, batting it back out across the water, far enough into the distance to not see where it lands.
heaving from the surprise when he lands back on the dock, sanji looks up just in time to see zoro peering over, his own teeth gritting hard as he loudly groans his annoyance. ]
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? [ he hops again, cheating with his skywalk, pressure beneath the bottom of his toes as he climbs to hop on the ledge of the ship. ] Are you trying to fucking killβ!?
[ β ah! he stops, visible eye widening as his sight sets upon the other present company, cheeks turning a rosy shade looking over her (the resemblance not quite becoming apparent). ]
A ladyβ!? [ just how many does this idiot have on board with him???????? ]
( the 'lady' in question changes so quickly, it's inhuman. probably because she isn't human, or maybe because she's modelled after someone who experiences mood shifts just as violent when it comes to how they treat men and women. case in point, the maid goes from tearing zoro a new one to whipping around and smoldering sanji with a love-struck, heart-eyed gaze. she's the model maid, bowing at the waist, smiling with her whole body, preparing to cater to sanji's every need. )
Pray you excuse my brute of a charge, My Lord. His manners evade him at times. He lacks the grace and charm that you clearly exude. May I take your coat?
( whatever magic that makes her tick doesn't allow her to realize that she's looking at a mirror image of herself. more beard, less boob, same curled brow, same willingness to do anything for the opposite sex. she's too loveblind by seeing a handsome man to take in the fact that she's seeing a version of her from another dimension.
zoro groans, because now there's two of them when one was already more than enough, and his maid's demeanor changes again: )
What the hell are you huffing and puffing for?! You should be honored that someone so beautiful would want to spend time with your shitty ass!
Get out of here already!!
And leave your ass unchaperoned?! Like hell!
( if it wasn't clear before that they can't fight here, it's more apparent than ever. zoro was worried about the logistics, how small his temporary home is compared to the largeness of his need to battle. when they fight, they fight with their whole souls. a boat like this would be collateral damage, and he can't have that. more pressingly, he can't stay on this boat without his dumb, stupid retainer insisting that they eat crumpets and hold hands, so they need to leave. zoro needs to leave, at least. if sanji wants to hang back and flirt with his reflection, that's on him. )
Don't follow me, ( he says to his heated retainer before leaping down onto the dock. there's other stuff around here. there's a whole fight club, from what he's heard. he can find a place that hasn't been co-opted by his crazy maid, and he can break sanji into a million pieces. )
[ just as she seems to transform, so does sanji, a natural, instinctive response that never seems to take much thought at all, as if simply a reaction of muscle memory or well trained impulse, as his annoyed demeanor transforms into an excitable one, all warm cheeks and smiles as he admires the woman in front of him β too caught up in the sheer presence of a woman that he doesn't consider the reflective qualities she seems to bear. ]
I take no offense, my lady. I'm very familiar with this uneducated oaf's rude behavior and I know it bears no reflection on how lovely you seem to be.
[ natural. habitual. where not even the anger he holds for zoro seems to prevent his usual behaviors, even if all it really takes is a mere glance back in the swordsman's direction to feel the scorching fire in his soul again, especially as he's forced to listen to him talk with that attitude. ]
Oi, oiβ! [ before he even has a chance to criticize him on his etiquette in a woman's company, the other man already seems to be off, leaping back off the ship right from where sanji had just come from. ] Wait a damned minute, you bastard!
[ back to the maid β ]
Please excuse me, sweet miss. [ even in a hurry, he'll sneak in a forward bend to press a gentle kiss to her hand. ] I'll be sure to make him beg on his knees for forgiveness later for his ugly manners.
[ which has him immediately spinning on his heel to take off after zoro, hopping quickly back onto the dock and darting after him, knowing if he loses a second, the idiot will just get himself lost. ]
Shithead! Slow down! You realize the damn hunt you put me through to find you because you're too stupid to give one simple direction!? Where the hell do you plan on going now?
( he only slows down when can't hear the sounds of two sanjis schmoozing at once. it's enough to make him sick. it's shitty cook overload, and he has to leave before he loses his lunch over it.
it's true that he'd managed to get absurdly far. the way he wanders, it's something worth studying. in the blink of an eye, he can be halfway across an island in the wrong direction, and no one would be the wiser. )
What the hell are you talking about? You took forever because you can't follow simple landmarks. Don't put that on me.
( he took a perfectly acceptable photo of the ship and he won't be told otherwise.
when he looks around, he frowns. in truth, he was simply looking for a place to fight, a place with lots of room to struggle, and strain, and scream, but this being a city and all, places like that are in short order. it's all the more reason to get back home as soon as possible: he's not built for posh, big dress, wig-wearing city life.
but this place should be good enough. beyond the docks, the grassy area between the beach and the city, it works for him. he can see his ship in the near distance and he can see sand over his opposite shoulder. best of all, there are no people here on this path, so he doesn't need to worry about others getting in his way. )
[ it doesn't take much for sanji to catch up, long legs and all, especially when he's got the experience of chasing after zoro enough times to know the routine, to the point that he briefly gets caught up in just trying to catch him before remembering he's supposed to be preparing for a fight with him. ]
Are you still that much of an idiot? Nothing about that picture was simple. You might as well just have sent me a picture of your middle finger and it'd have been the same message.
[ why the hell does he put up with this? and more importantly, why does he still care?
they're in this city without their crew, without their captain, so really, sanji has no obligation to play babysitter to whatever stupidity zoro wants to get up to, whether he's off getting lost or drinking booze until he passes out or moving in with other women. he shouldn't give such a damn if he's not eating well enough or whether he stays out of trouble enough to not get himself killed or whether the man is still simmering in quiet hatred towards him.
sanji shouldn't care, but that's always been the problem with him. the fact that he can never help but care, and even with every insult he can spit and swear in zoro's direction, he cares about that damn bastard as his nakama and being separated from the rest of their crew doesn't change that. if anything, it makes the feeling more prevalent in his mind, an awareness that keeps the anger heated and swelling in his chest once zoro stops and they seem to have settled on a proper enough spot for their battle.
he stands a decent distance away, enough to look him in the eye with a sternness that quietly evokes the seriousness of what he intends, the curl of his brow furrowing tightly.
without a word, he tugs off his jacket, giving it a fairly careful fold before laying it on the ground beside him. hopefully it won't get dirt on it, but he'll be cleaning it again later anyway. when he straightens, his fingers go up to his tie, loosening it just slightly before he plucks the remaining nub of his cigarette from his lips and drops it to the ground, his heel crushing the faint embers left in it. ]
If we have to keep it going until I finally send you to hell, that's fine by me.
( generally speaking, zoro would define himself is a man without much to say. he isn't overly forthcoming with his words when there's no reason for it. he isn't boisterous and he isn't open, not like his captain. that isn't his role in things. there's enough of that already. even in their ragtag crew, everything has its place. if it doesn't seem that way from the outside, you're not looking closely enough.
that's why sharing his thoughts so freely before is something of an anomaly for him. he can name off the people on his crew who have a right to be so emotional, so reckless with their thoughts, and he isn't among them. zoro is discipline... yet he can't bring himself to regret his words. he only doesn't like how impassioned they were. it makes it seems as if he cares about the cook and whether he stays or goes.
he doesn't. and if he does, it's not for personal reasons. it's not because he cares; it's because luffy cares.
when you join a crew, you make an oath. the fact that sanji went back on that isn't the problem; it's the fact that he disobeyed luffy. there's no room for anything else. there's no room in his mind. there's no room in his heart. there's no place for feeling anything that isn't his goals and the goals of his captain. that's it.
that's it. that'sβ )
I lost my faith in you.
( ...it's going to come out from some other place, then. )
You're not the man I thought you were.
( he didn't agree for those words to pass into the air. )
I'm going to cut away every part until I find a man I can trust beneath the surface.
( it's happening of its own accord, apparently. if he shoves a hilt between his teeth, will that stop the sound? ...no. this loud part of him is just going to talk around it. three swords feel like home, [a bit like sanji may have at one point], one in each hand, one on his tongue, easy and controlled. as it should be. he'll survive this. )
Until then, don't even think about offering me your food. I won't eat it!
( as zoro rushes him, he's sure he means it. he thinks of every great meal made by sanji's hands, and he slashes their image in half against the very real figure of sanji here in the present. there's structure. there's always structure when zoro fights, but there's no relief. he's not letting up, not giving sanji a chance to back out [again] and run away [again] and abandon him [again] to defend a crew all on his own. sanji is going to face him, look the consequences of his actions in the eye, and bleed for them. )
[ sanji already faced luffy on the battlefield, confronted by the other man's insistence to not put up his own fight, stubbornness triumphing in the face of sanji's insistence to come through with his own sacrifice. his own pursuit to avoid being a burden to his crew had instead opposed the reality, one where the bottom of his heel had slammed against his own captain's teeth and all of his intentions had proven to be a reflection on more of what he had tried to grow away from β the fate of his own uselessness.
he knows where luffy stands, knows that despite the weight of his own flaws, his captain would smile brightly, showing off that newly missing tooth and say "that's just how you are", as if everything sanji had wanted to bury in the ground had been exactly what he needed to grip tightly to all along.
and that had been that β except it wasn't.
because proving himself to luffy isn't proving himself to zoro. for all that zoro follows every bit of luffy's beliefs and faith, there's the sliver of an exception where zoro simply doesn't forgive, because even with every vow of "anything for my captain", sanji's aware that beneath the loyal pride of a first mate is also a man who stands on his own values. with zoro, everything is for luffy, but not everything is luffy, and it's that part that stands before him now on the field, the part that speaks out a rare honesty, the part that tests him in this fight, the part that's all raw strength and skin and sharp metal.
because sanji already knows luffy's words. these aren't his. he already knows the rest of their crew has accepted him back. this isn't their test.
this fight isn't about their crew, about their captain, about their nakama. this is about them.
this is about zoro and sanji. ]
Then I'll show you exactly who I am.
[ because sanji is no longer buried under the weight of his past, drowning himself in the flood of his own excuses, pitying himself for his lack of worth, but he hasn't yet shown zoro. he isn't forgiven for his doubt, for his betrayal, but apologies don't come from words. they come from the way his own feet begin to race against the dirt as zoro charges forward, his own body rushing to meet him halfway. it's spoken in the burning flame that bursts around his legs before he pushes his weight through the air, letting the focused pressure of haki at his knee clash against the strong, exerted force of metal, the impact stretching out from their collision across the field of grass around them like a storm. ]
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no subject
I'd rather die than kiss you, shitty cook.
But if my captain asked it of me, I'd do it without complaint. Even if I hated every second of it. Even if it made my stomach churn. I'd do it because I'd do anything that my captain asks! I'd never deny him! I'd never turn my back on him! If you can't do that much, how can you call yourself a member of our crew?!
( leave it to zoro to turn a conversation about kissing into something serious. even if he's [mostly] forgiven him, zoro clearly isn't over it. the rage he feels isn't comically overblown like it usually is; it's real and it's immovable. )
Say something for yourself! Tell me that isn't the kind of man you are! Tell me I haven't been fighting alongside someone who speaks empty words alone!
no subject
after all, it'd been a long time since they'd secured an understanding of one another. despite the way they push and pull, the way zoro's sharp edges clash against sanji's smoother ones, or their alternate directions of interests (with zoro's directions persistently getting themselves lost), there'd been an unspoken vow they'd eventually found, about their mutual roles in this crew β protectors of the others, loyal confidence that when one isn't there, the other would be there to hold them together.
for all their rivalry, they'd been equals.
so, of course zoro would despise him for betraying that trust, something silently promised between them β and, in truth, sanji could hardly blame him. he's been swearing at himself since the moment he'd left zou, doubt still present in his heated chest.
even as his arms and fists shake now, he's almost glad that zoro can't see the way he becomes unsteady from the obvious accusation. ]
You don't think I know the crew deserves better!? That our captain does!?
[ he finally snaps with clenching teeth, breathing harder as the blood boils within him. it's hard to tell whether his anger is really directed at zoro anymore. possibly, he's needed someone to accuse him, angry at the way luffy had waited for him, starved for him. even the sting of nami's slap hadn't been enough punishment.
this isn't about kissing anymore. that much is clear. ]
Leaving was supposed to keep them safe. It was supposed toβ I thought I wasβ
[ excuses are empty. excuses don't work on zoro. they have too much respect for one another for that, or at least, they used to, before he broke it. no, there's only room for truth. ]
If it's kissing someone, marrying someone, fighting to the brink of my last breath, dying, I'd do it to protect Luffy. To protect all of them.
[ To protect you goes unsaid, but it's just as clear in the tightness of his voice, convicted with each word. ]
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how is zoro supposed to do that when the next guy isn't there? )
The captain never wanted 'better'! He only wanted you!
( zoro's being deliberate with his choice of pronouns here, loud as they are. none of this is about him. it's all about "us," and "the crew," and "the captain," leaving things like "I" and "me" as far away from the conversation as possible. zoro doesn't have any opinions on the matter. he doesn't. even if his voice is rising and he has to actively tell himself not to crush the snail [?] between his fingers, it's not because he has any person feelings towards sanji and his decisions.
everything he says is nothing more than the channeled spirit of the collective mugiwara. that's all.
part of him wants to make this call a video so sanji will be forced to see his face, but he maintains some respect for the man's pride. he can hear in sanji's voice that he's being affected in some way, so there's no point in humiliating him with the added insult of video. soon enough, they'll talk in person, and zoro might have to fight him for real to release this rage. )
Don't speak about keeping us safe. I don't want to hear that from you. There's nothing we can't face, so don't give me that.
If you believed Luffy to be the man who'll become King of Pirates, you'd know there's no reason to try to protect us on your own. We never needed to be security; we can take care of ourselves. We needed you, useless cook! Without that much, how are we supposed toβ?!
( not about him. not about his feeling of betrayal, and disappointment, and [loosely, distantly, intangibly] heartbreak. that last word isn't something he'd ever, ever put to this, but to think someone he's come to regard as one of his own would blindsight him so thoroughly... that's heartbreaking. it makes zoro a fool for ever trusting him, so it's a good thing none of this is about him. )
...
Did you ever mean any of it?
no subject
this isn't supposed to be like this. this isn't the way that he and zoro communicate. there should be the swing of metal through the air, the friction of his soles sliding against the ground before his leg lifts, the jam of his knee against the hilt of a sword. they should be gritting teeth as eyes burn, swears shouted to evoke the heat of the fight.
the use of words, of voicing out truth and accusations β this isn't how they do things. not them. but not doing this face to face in this moment means this is all they have, and while sanji at least can spare some of his dignity by hiding his face, he can't disguise the guilt laced in the sound of his voice.
but it also means that zoro can't hide himself either, not his anger and whatever else lives in his rising volume. for someone who's always maintained a steadiness amongst the group while the rest live on unchecked emotion, it's telling that sanji's actions were repulsive enough to have an effect even on him. hearing it in his tone nearly makes sanji sink down, his hand brushing over his face in quiet shame, teeth biting hard on his lip. ]
Of course I did.
[ his voice isn't loud, maybe a part of him even hoping it isn't heard. at least without zoro in front of him, he can pretend he's just talking to himself. ]
I never wanted to leave. I never meant to hide anything. That part of my past was supposed to be gone. It never even wanted me. Not likeβ
[ not like their crew. like luffy. like the pirates on baratie. like zeff. all of the people that made up his real family, the way that germa never could be. ]
You knocked me away. [ he says suddenly, as if something else comes to mind, distant as it reels itself back to his memory. ] Two years ago β Kuma took Luffy's pain and gave it to you. It was supposed to be me and you'd didn't let me. You beared it all by yourself, so why the hell can't I!?
[ 1 / 2 ]
the past shouldn't matter; they can all agree on that. that's a point in sanji's favor since, after all, there are any number of their crewmates who started off as their enemies at one point or another. so long as a person is loyal now, it shouldn't matter who they were before. zoro would be fine with that if sanji hadn't erroneously chosen his past rather placing faith in his crew to find a way to handle things in the present. that's what zoro would do, at least. if it were him. he'd never leave luffy's side, no matter how great the danger is.
speaking of luffy: )
What are you doing, bringing something like that up now? Are you trying to piss me off further?! Damn it, cook! It's not aboutβ!
( there's the bright, clinking sound of metal against metal, and then there's nothing but silence. )
text; un: shinigamitayuu
snail broken
look what you made me do
shitty cook
you owe me
no subject
years later, sanji couldn't even do something as simple as getting married for the sake of trying to prevent pain on his friends. what does that say about his own worth to stand at zoro's side as equals? all his sacrifices did was make things worse, in the end. especially when it turned out, it hadn't even mattered. big mom would have betrayed germa anyway and he'd just be dead. he'd hurt his own captain to play hero and it'd been for nothing.
if he's bringing up the past now, it's only because he knows he can't measure up to it.
but then suddenly, zoro's voice is gone, cut off too suddenly that sanji's left to wonder if the idiot had somehow been talking while walking aimlessly and fell into a hole or something. ]
Zoroβ?
[ it might just be because of the weight of their conversation that he's actually concerned about the silence of it (worried? why the hell would he ever be worried??), disrupted only when eventually a message comes through, the name attached recognizable from when he'd spoken to tsukuyo.
in reading the message, whatever self-guilt that had been bubbling up dissolves to be replaced by directed anger again, the source of how he was able to deliver those words annoying the hell out of him (That hypocritical bastard, I swear I'm gonna send him to hell), and possibly even more heated still because he's now aware of the vulnerability he'd allowed himself in that spare moment. ]
I DON'T NEED TO WASTE MY TIME TALKING TO YOU ANYWAY, YOU SHITTY BASTARD
no subject
you're my crew, so you obviously have to talk to me
don't be stupid
( which isn't a proclamation of forgiveness; it just is what it is. if luffy says sanji is a member of their crew, that's all there is to it. his own thoughts about it don't matter. even if there was a time where zoro was certain he'd never see that smug, swirly-browed face again [because sanji made his choice], he didn't allow himself to be weighted down by it because luffy said that wasn't happening. if luffy said he'd get sanji, then he'd get sanji.
and he did.
still, it doesn't mean that zoro is done with this. the tension's been broken, but it's going to have to build again. neither of them are finished extinguishing their feelings; he's certain of that.
damn it. why does it matter that it's sanji, anyway? his least favorite member of the crew. the one he tells to die at least three times a day, and that's on a good day. he shouldn't care if he turned out to be a misguided traitor, a person who turned his back on luffy. some part of zoro could have expected it, but he never did. for all his many, [many, many, many] faults, sanji's loyalty was never in question. neither was his dedication, or his compassion, or anything that really mattered.
thinking about this is going to piss him off all over again. )
come to the ship
fight me properly
( there's no other way to solve this. )
no subject
but the part that he lingers on is "you're my crew", because it reminds sanji that they happen to be the only strawhats present in this city, which means that, whether sanji wants to admit it or not, even more so than all the attractive women he's come across β zoro is the most important person that's currently with him here.
except immediately as the thought snakes through him, he feels the urge to gag so he just pretends it never crossed his mind at all. of course it would be his luck to get stranded somewhere with the marimo instead of nami-san or robin-chan.
minutes ago, he'd dreaded the idea of being in front of him, knowing he couldn't stand having to face the weight of his guilt with zoro's accusations, aware of how justified he'd been to slam him with it. but as zoro makes his offer now, the fire in him ignites, stronger than a craving for a cigarette, hot and burning for it, for the only way they've ever been able to attempt settling their differences, their anger, their trials β fighting it out.
whether it's from the unresolved frustration towards the swordsman or the need for self-inflicted punishment, he wants to taste the cut of blood on his lips, to feel the sting of bruises against his ribs, to hear the animalistic snarl in his own throat. leave it to zoro to be the only one capable of getting sanji to want to be unclean, to be improper, to meet feral with feral. ]
Where's this ship?
[ because he's going. ]
no subject
presumably, it was meant to give some sort of landmark or identifying feature to help sanji figure out a way to the ship, but sanji should know by now that any question containing βwhereβ has no business being anywhere near zoro.
which is to say the photo is blurry, and crooked, and zoroβs finger is in the way. thereβs something pale in the background that could be sand? but it could just as easily be a sun glare.
nothing about this is usuable, but zoro still has the audacity to add: )
here
donβt waste my time by being late
forced to write a tag 2x longer than it needs to be bc zoro sucks!!!
no doubt the picture is completely useless, which, really, sanji expected to begin with (though he had hoped there'd at least be a little more to go on, even if he knew exact directions were never going to be a possibility). there's no point in asking for another or for zoro to provide a little more insight on his location, because there's no chance for any new enlightening clues to pop up from that. ]
Shut up.
I'll be there.
[ one way or another because at least, unlike zoro, sanji's fairly good at using context clues to make his way around a city and find his way to where he needs to go. the fact that it's a ship is already enough to narrow down that he'll be at the docks, which eliminates everything inland and gives him somewhere to go to begin his search. the travel to the naval quarter isn't too much trouble to start, but narrowing it down from there will require some investigation.
too bad he's already running dangerously low on cigarettes, aware that this hunt could take him all night because of fucking course the marimo would make him work for a damn fight. fortunately, that'll just help to fuel his desire to kick the shit out of him.
sanji makes polite conversation with the locals in the area, slipping into the trident to ask around if anyone's seen a green-haired idiot with a scarred eye and whether they might know where he lives, because chances are zoro's made his presence frequent at the local taverns. he might not get a description of a ship, but he does get a waitress who says she usually sees him heading off in a certain direction whenever he leaves. once he thanks her (and ogles for a minute), he begins to walk in the opposite direction of where she pointed, since he doubts zoro would have ever had good instincts on which way to actually return to.
more questions are asked, more locals are spoken to, gradually gaining pinches of hints here and there, thanks to the way the idiot tends to stand out, and though it takes much longer than zoro might have hoped, sanji eventually comes across a sailor who's seen him appear a few times on a specific ship, even pointing out the exact one, finally granting an end to this scavenger hunt.
at long last, sanji stands on the dock, a nearly burnt out cigarette between his lips, curly brow furrowed with ever heightening frustration, certainly looking like a man who came looking for a fight. ]
OI, MOSSY SHITHEAD! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!
no subject
...
as if he really wants that.
for one, luffy would never forgive him for killing their cook. he'd be beside himself, and zoro can't be responsible for a thing like that. that's the only [only!!] reason he hasn't cut sanji down before: because his captain needs him. everything zoro does, he does for luffy. it's not like zoro needs him. zoro will eat anything; it doesn't have to come from that chef's hands.
while he waits, he flicks his swords from their sheathes and replaces them. over and over, lost in his own thoughts, until he catches a glaring, swirly-browed eye in the reflection of one. it's all the warning he gets before a purple-booted foot comes sailing his way, and he barely has time to block it with the flat of shusui as he leaps to his feet. with the way her leg extends to kick at zoro again and again, her maid's dress should be flying all over and giving people eyefuls, but magically it stays modestly in place. her long hair covers half of her face, but the half that isn't shaded in blonde looks furious. )
Shut up! I've had enough out of you already!
I said shut up! I'm not putting up with any more of this stupid courtingβ!
( the flurry of blades, and kicks, and whipping blonde hair gets disrupted when a fucking anchor comes flying towards zoro. he deflects it by batting it towards the dock, right at sanji, either accidentally or on purpose. )
Fine!
( he peers over the ledge of the ship, where sanji hopefully has been flattened to a pancake. )
no subject
( there's no underlying concern in it, nothing about the subtle worry he'd expressed to tsukuyo about whether zoro had become malnutritioned without him around knowing he'd be doing nothing but drinking booze and ingesting anything without too much care, nothing about seeking the comforting reassurance of having one of his nakama with him in this place, nothing about wanting to look zoro in the eye to make sure he knows that the trust they'd held for one another had never been a lie even if he'd screwed things up β
no, he just wants a fight to fuel his anxious frustration through something and be rewarded with the idiot's bloody face beneath his heel. )
when he hears a pair of screaming voices, he briefly wonders if it's tsukuyo on board, before he sees a flashing blonde blur over the side that strikes him with a different kind of familiarity that he can't immediately put his finger, not before he's immediately sidetracked by the suddenly flying anchor that shoots right in his direction. ]
That fuckingβ!
[ he swiftly hops up, long legs spinning through the air as his body swirls with power, just in time for his foot to meet the anchor right before it collides into him, batting it back out across the water, far enough into the distance to not see where it lands.
heaving from the surprise when he lands back on the dock, sanji looks up just in time to see zoro peering over, his own teeth gritting hard as he loudly groans his annoyance. ]
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? [ he hops again, cheating with his skywalk, pressure beneath the bottom of his toes as he climbs to hop on the ledge of the ship. ] Are you trying to fucking killβ!?
[ β ah! he stops, visible eye widening as his sight sets upon the other present company, cheeks turning a rosy shade looking over her (the resemblance not quite becoming apparent). ]
A ladyβ!? [ just how many does this idiot have on board with him???????? ]
no subject
( whatever magic that makes her tick doesn't allow her to realize that she's looking at a mirror image of herself. more beard, less boob, same curled brow, same willingness to do anything for the opposite sex. she's too loveblind by seeing a handsome man to take in the fact that she's seeing a version of her from another dimension.
zoro groans, because now there's two of them when one was already more than enough, and his maid's demeanor changes again: )
Get out of here already!!
( if it wasn't clear before that they can't fight here, it's more apparent than ever. zoro was worried about the logistics, how small his temporary home is compared to the largeness of his need to battle. when they fight, they fight with their whole souls. a boat like this would be collateral damage, and he can't have that. more pressingly, he can't stay on this boat without his dumb, stupid retainer insisting that they eat crumpets and hold hands, so they need to leave. zoro needs to leave, at least. if sanji wants to hang back and flirt with his reflection, that's on him. )
Don't follow me, ( he says to his heated retainer before leaping down onto the dock. there's other stuff around here. there's a whole fight club, from what he's heard. he can find a place that hasn't been co-opted by his crazy maid, and he can break sanji into a million pieces. )
no subject
I take no offense, my lady. I'm very familiar with this uneducated oaf's rude behavior and I know it bears no reflection on how lovely you seem to be.
[ natural. habitual. where not even the anger he holds for zoro seems to prevent his usual behaviors, even if all it really takes is a mere glance back in the swordsman's direction to feel the scorching fire in his soul again, especially as he's forced to listen to him talk with that attitude. ]
Oi, oiβ! [ before he even has a chance to criticize him on his etiquette in a woman's company, the other man already seems to be off, leaping back off the ship right from where sanji had just come from. ] Wait a damned minute, you bastard!
[ back to the maid β ]
Please excuse me, sweet miss. [ even in a hurry, he'll sneak in a forward bend to press a gentle kiss to her hand. ] I'll be sure to make him beg on his knees for forgiveness later for his ugly manners.
[ which has him immediately spinning on his heel to take off after zoro, hopping quickly back onto the dock and darting after him, knowing if he loses a second, the idiot will just get himself lost. ]
Shithead! Slow down! You realize the damn hunt you put me through to find you because you're too stupid to give one simple direction!? Where the hell do you plan on going now?
no subject
it's true that he'd managed to get absurdly far. the way he wanders, it's something worth studying. in the blink of an eye, he can be halfway across an island in the wrong direction, and no one would be the wiser. )
What the hell are you talking about? You took forever because you can't follow simple landmarks. Don't put that on me.
( he took a perfectly acceptable photo of the ship and he won't be told otherwise.
when he looks around, he frowns. in truth, he was simply looking for a place to fight, a place with lots of room to struggle, and strain, and scream, but this being a city and all, places like that are in short order. it's all the more reason to get back home as soon as possible: he's not built for posh, big dress, wig-wearing city life.
but this place should be good enough. beyond the docks, the grassy area between the beach and the city, it works for him. he can see his ship in the near distance and he can see sand over his opposite shoulder. best of all, there are no people here on this path, so he doesn't need to worry about others getting in his way. )
...Once we start this, it won't end easily.
( 'you can still back out,' is what he means. )
no subject
Are you still that much of an idiot? Nothing about that picture was simple. You might as well just have sent me a picture of your middle finger and it'd have been the same message.
[ why the hell does he put up with this? and more importantly, why does he still care?
they're in this city without their crew, without their captain, so really, sanji has no obligation to play babysitter to whatever stupidity zoro wants to get up to, whether he's off getting lost or drinking booze until he passes out or moving in with other women. he shouldn't give such a damn if he's not eating well enough or whether he stays out of trouble enough to not get himself killed or whether the man is still simmering in quiet hatred towards him.
sanji shouldn't care, but that's always been the problem with him. the fact that he can never help but care, and even with every insult he can spit and swear in zoro's direction, he cares about that damn bastard as his nakama and being separated from the rest of their crew doesn't change that. if anything, it makes the feeling more prevalent in his mind, an awareness that keeps the anger heated and swelling in his chest once zoro stops and they seem to have settled on a proper enough spot for their battle.
he stands a decent distance away, enough to look him in the eye with a sternness that quietly evokes the seriousness of what he intends, the curl of his brow furrowing tightly.
without a word, he tugs off his jacket, giving it a fairly careful fold before laying it on the ground beside him. hopefully it won't get dirt on it, but he'll be cleaning it again later anyway. when he straightens, his fingers go up to his tie, loosening it just slightly before he plucks the remaining nub of his cigarette from his lips and drops it to the ground, his heel crushing the faint embers left in it. ]
If we have to keep it going until I finally send you to hell, that's fine by me.
no subject
that's why sharing his thoughts so freely before is something of an anomaly for him. he can name off the people on his crew who have a right to be so emotional, so reckless with their thoughts, and he isn't among them. zoro is discipline... yet he can't bring himself to regret his words. he only doesn't like how impassioned they were. it makes it seems as if he cares about the cook and whether he stays or goes.
he doesn't.
and if he does, it's not for personal reasons.
it's not because he cares; it's because luffy cares.
when you join a crew, you make an oath. the fact that sanji went back on that isn't the problem; it's the fact that he disobeyed luffy. there's no room for anything else. there's no room in his mind. there's no room in his heart. there's no place for feeling anything that isn't his goals and the goals of his captain. that's it.
that's it. that'sβ )
I lost my faith in you.
( ...it's going to come out from some other place, then. )
You're not the man I thought you were.
( he didn't agree for those words to pass into the air. )
I'm going to cut away every part until I find a man I can trust beneath the surface.
( it's happening of its own accord, apparently. if he shoves a hilt between his teeth, will that stop the sound? ...no. this loud part of him is just going to talk around it. three swords feel like home, [a bit like sanji may have at one point], one in each hand, one on his tongue, easy and controlled. as it should be. he'll survive this. )
Until then, don't even think about offering me your food. I won't eat it!
( as zoro rushes him, he's sure he means it. he thinks of every great meal made by sanji's hands, and he slashes their image in half against the very real figure of sanji here in the present. there's structure. there's always structure when zoro fights, but there's no relief. he's not letting up, not giving sanji a chance to back out [again] and run away [again] and abandon him [again] to defend a crew all on his own. sanji is going to face him, look the consequences of his actions in the eye, and bleed for them. )
no subject
he knows where luffy stands, knows that despite the weight of his own flaws, his captain would smile brightly, showing off that newly missing tooth and say "that's just how you are", as if everything sanji had wanted to bury in the ground had been exactly what he needed to grip tightly to all along.
and that had been that β except it wasn't.
because proving himself to luffy isn't proving himself to zoro. for all that zoro follows every bit of luffy's beliefs and faith, there's the sliver of an exception where zoro simply doesn't forgive, because even with every vow of "anything for my captain", sanji's aware that beneath the loyal pride of a first mate is also a man who stands on his own values. with zoro, everything is for luffy, but not everything is luffy, and it's that part that stands before him now on the field, the part that speaks out a rare honesty, the part that tests him in this fight, the part that's all raw strength and skin and sharp metal.
because sanji already knows luffy's words. these aren't his. he already knows the rest of their crew has accepted him back. this isn't their test.
this fight isn't about their crew, about their captain, about their nakama. this is about them.
this is about zoro and sanji. ]
Then I'll show you exactly who I am.
[ because sanji is no longer buried under the weight of his past, drowning himself in the flood of his own excuses, pitying himself for his lack of worth, but he hasn't yet shown zoro. he isn't forgiven for his doubt, for his betrayal, but apologies don't come from words. they come from the way his own feet begin to race against the dirt as zoro charges forward, his own body rushing to meet him halfway. it's spoken in the burning flame that bursts around his legs before he pushes his weight through the air, letting the focused pressure of haki at his knee clash against the strong, exerted force of metal, the impact stretching out from their collision across the field of grass around them like a storm. ]