( rather than draw a map, zoro sends over a photograph of the schedule he'd gotten upon first arriving here. it shows his classes, his learning outcome, and... the part where his room number is within the west hall is inconveniently covered by a glare of candlelight from somewhere in the room. it's hard to tell if that's a 1, or an 11, or a series of l's... )
no one's asking you to five hours is too long to wait around for your sorry ass
[ β why the hell does he always have to make his life so much harder? ]
If you can't tell me the room number, at least tie a damn shirt or something around the door handle so I know it's yours. I'm not knocking on everyone's rooms to find you.
why the hell do i have to be the one to do extra work??
do you want to talk to me or not???
( but, fine, whatever, zoro's signature bandana will be hanging from the front of his door by the time sanji comes around. dumb curly-brow can't even find a room without zoro's help... )
Stop bitching when you just have to wait there while I go looking for you, you bastard.
[ which is the last sanji will say on that, hoping that zoro could at least follow some simple directions to save both of them a lot of time. it does take a bit of squinting (with plenty of mumbled swears under his breath) to get a better read of what the number in the photo could be, but he makes his best educated guess and starts his search from there, mostly keeping an eye out for something on the door handles that could narrow down his options.
thankfully, the hunt doesn't take anywhere near the lengthy time it took to find the boat, managing to catch sight of a familiar bandana in about ten minutes.
hoping zoro didn't get lost in the process of actually placing said bandana and slipped it on someone else's door by accident, sanji sighs with an exhale of smoke from the cigarette hanging between his lips as he knocks. ]
( how hopeless does sanji think he is? sanji makes it sound like he can't take two steps without getting lost or something, and that's just not like him at all. zoro's direction is fine; it's everyone else who has a problem.
still, if the cook really is on his way, there's no point in zoro getting settled down or anything. he shouldn't get comfortable if he's going to have someone over, even if it is his nemesis. instead, he should do the proper thing, like straighten up. he doesn't have enough possessions here in this place to come close to creating a mess, but he makes sure all his alcohol bottles are in a row, and that his swords look their best from where they're leaning against a wall. receiving gentleman callers, lecture one.
when he actually answers the door, his face is a bit red from a night of partying. alone. it's still a party if you're alone! why would zoro want to party with other people when his captain isn't here? it wouldn't be the same, so he grabbed as much alcohol as he could and shuffled off his his room to drink in peace.
so, appearance-wise, he really looks like he took five shots and then laid down for a nap afterwards, because he's got the imprint of a pillow on his cheek, and his fine-pressed clothes are all wrinkled. that doesn't bother him, though. he wouldn't have that problem if he was in his normal clothes instead of this stupid uniform... )
Don't think I'm going to be impressed because you followed simple instructions.
( 'come on in, mi casa, su casa,' is what that translates to. )
[ honestly, zoro could look much worse, sanji thinks, and he knows this because he's seen zoro at his worst and at this best and everything in between. though zoro still seems out of place in his uniform while sanji seems like he was fit precisely for it, he at least seems clean, even if sanji can catch a good whiff of the booze from the moment the door opens. not that he's one to complain with his own stink of nicotine. two peas in a pod, as always. ]
Not like I came all the way over here just to get some praise from you.
[ the routine weightless banter is a good thing. it's a sign that they're not as tense with one another as they could be. which means having a conversation ... could be possible. maybe.
he shuffles inside, his eye only vaguely gazing over the room, since he hardly cares about its condition. the fact that it's decently organized is more telling that they're without their crew than anything else, lacking stocks of food stored in hidden compartments for luffy's late night snack needs, medical books piled high from chopper's casual reading, knick knacks in clustered piles for inventions usopp had yet to create, blueprints for a new vehicle that franky would charge into battle, or pages of sheet music for new songs brook would hope to sing. the boys were always crowded in their rooms, enough for sanji to complain about it more often than not (preferring to bunk with nami-san and robin-chan, if he could), but it was home.
for being in his supposed dream paradise, sanji misses them more than he could properly say. just as he would never say that having zoro with him here helps ease the loneliness and pain of that distance more than that idiot would probably ever acknowledge.
but he'd never say that.
instead, he just takes a seat on the edge of the bed, pinching the cigarette from his lips to breathe out yet another sigh. ]
( sanji is here because zoro invited him and sanji turned up.
that should have been expected.
there's never been a time when zoro looked for him and he wasn't there, barring that time when it was exactly like that, and sanji was gone, and luffy and the others went off to find him. it's hard to think of things in terms of what's normal and what's not when sanji's actions upheaved zoro's sense of normalcy so abruptly. it's like when usopp left, sort of. nothing was right for a while, even when they had to pretend that it was. zoro could have invited him here and sanji could have disappeared again, ran off on his own, alone, against luffy's wishes, again, because he doesn't know luffy's wishes at all, and the last thing luffy would wish for is to see sanji trapped out of misaligned duty. how could luffy ever be happy with a thing like that weighing in his heart? how could any of them everβ
zoro's saying that's enough of that topic for now, since that isn't why sanji is here. on the one hand, zoro doesn't feel obligated to explain jack shit to sanji. on the other, as his nakama, there's no one zoro wants to talk to more.
he sits on the bed across from him, on his roommate's bed, [the roommate that zoro paid absolutely no attention to], and reaches for one of the bottles that still has something in it. )
I'm marrying Tsukuyo. And unlike you, I don't fall in love with every woman I lay my eyes on. She's the only woman I'll ever want, so this isn't just about getting us all closer to going home.
[ it's quieter in the room than it feels like it should be, because when he's with zoro, everything is about chaos and noise, about fighting at the top of their lungs, about groaning their frustration, even about being surrounded by all of their friends who happen to carry their own sense of liveliness.
but right now, it's just them, managing patience and willingness, an effort to understand, that sanji can hear the bed sink beneath zoro's weight as he sits down and even the breath he takes before he finally speaks out what's needed to be said.
for a moment, sanji wonders if he should be more surprised. but the hints had been there, from the moment annie had mentioned something between those two, to zoro's defensiveness of tsu-chan against his interactions, to the entire living situation that sanji had insisted he was somehow keeping in line by moving himself in. that part doesn't bring any surprise. sanji had predicted the marriage bit already.
it's the rest of it that makes him still, that keeps him staring at zoro in that pensive silence, brow a little furrowed to suggest the collecting of his own thoughts. ]
βthe hell do you mean by that?
[ he mutters, quietly albeit a little annoyed. cigarette still between his fingers, he brings up a hand, rubbing it against his temple as he closes his eyes, sighing yet again. he feels like he'll lose all of his breath with how much zoro's words and actions seem to keep drawing it all out of him. ]
he can feel the way that his words aren't enough to convey what he's feeling, as told by sanji, apparently, just not getting it at all. it's only because they're not those kinds of people. Luffy is the one who says what he means without fear, with his whole heart, no matter how asinine or genuine they might be. zoro leaves that sort of thing to Luffy, and it works out for him. their thoughts and beliefs are in alignment so often that zoro doesn't have to worry about his feelings being misconstrued. He's the sort of captain who understands when it's important, and they always understand each other when they need to.
for a while, zoro had assumed he and sanji were the same way. they both just get it, so there's no reason for them to have moments like this where they say it out loud. when did that change? was it before those years apart? after he left the crew? when he returned? )
What I do has nothing to do with you, so it doesn't matter. I don't need your permission, or your blessing. I'm only telling you this as a courtesy, not because I owe it to you...
So, focus on things that make you happy while we're here. I'll take care of Lady Pheme.
There you go again! Talking about permissions! It's not about that, you idiot!
[ sanji rises back up on his feet before he can stop himself, feeling that pang of frustration building in his chest, tight and swelling. it has to be for the same reason it always is, that anything zoro speaks about anything, it's only natural to feel annoyed, to want to kick that dumb face until it's unrecognizable.
except it's not, and he knows it's not.
his teeth are clenching tight, cigarette practically broken in half at this point. his visual eye certainly appears angry, that curly brow furrowed intensely, but there's a noticeable hurt in it too. ]
You can't give me that shit about permission and blessing when we're talking about you and then suddenly talk about what makes me happy.
[ of course sanji's permission isn't needed. he's not luffy. he's not zoro's captain. but it's not about that, it's never been about that.
and before he can bite his tongue to keep the next words from slipping out of his mouth β ]
You really think that I don't care about just making sure you're happy too!? Does that make no difference!?
( sanji jumps to his feet so quickly that zoro has to do the same, bracing himself for one of sanji's attacks. he doesn't have his swords on him, but he should be able to withstand sanji's leg if he employs his haki and moves at the right moment. his swords aren't that far away, so he might able to dodge and grab them without being hit at all. maybe, if sanji comes at him from the left, he can dodge right, under the arch of his leg. if he sweeps low, zoro can probably... no, there's not enough room for that sort of dodge, but he could still, maybeβ
why isn't sanji striking out at him?
that's more confusing than the words he's saying, which is hard to beat because sanji's words make no sense at all to zoro. he wants to respond, but he wants to slice him in half for being an utter moron. he doesn't get to speak lightly about this sort of thing.
seriously, where does zoro begin? happiness? since when does sanji care about his happiness?)
...Damn it, Love Cook.
I already told you: she's the only woman I'll ever want. Don't make it sound like being with her is some kind of death sentence... And don't talk to me about joy when it's clear you don't know what would make me the happiest.
Stupid, of course I don't think that about Tsu-chan.
[ in reality, this has nothing to do with tsukuyo. even in the short time of living in the same boat with her, sanji has grown to like her plenty (even outside of the fact that he likes any woman easily without much effort) and whether or not it'd be easy to imagine zoro settling down with anyone at all, it's not difficult to assume he has plenty of care for her. besides, zoro wouldn't do something if he really hated it (he can brag about doing just about anything out of loyalty, but even sanji knows that zoro listens to his own gut when it actually matters), so there's no concern that this would be any kind of torture.
no, what frustrates sanji to his core is the idea that zoro really believes it wouldn't matter to him. to be told out of mere courtesy rather than the idea that, as nakama, sanji would want the best for him. ]
You think I don't already know that the minute we find Luffy again, you'll tell him that Tsu-chan's a good woman so we can take her with us? That nothing's more important to you than Luffy's support? That being with the crew and making sure we're all doing what we set out to do is what matters for you?
[ he scoffs, plucking his broken cigarette from his mouth to toss to the floor, the bottom of his heel stomping it out as he charges the few steps forward to snag zoro by the collar. ]
Did what I do really shatter your trust in me that much? Do you think that I don't know you at all?
[ that he doesn't care?
such as the way that zoro works out across about eighty percent of his waking hours and that sanji specially prepares his rice to make sure to maximize his intake of recovered energy so he doesn't exhaust himself and his unsweetened tea to specifically help reduce the soreness in his muscles so his body doesn't ache. or that, while he keeps every bit of consumable food locked away outside of dining hours, sanji will always leave out a good bottle of sake because he knows it helps relax zoro's mood before he dozes off. ]
Stop acting like you assume I don't give a shit about you!
[ even if he'll say that he doesn't a thousand times over. the point of what they are is to know that those words don't have truth to it. they're supposed to already know. that's why he's never had to say it before now. ]
( sanji lays out zoro's plan so precisely, so easily, that there's not anything zoro can say to combat it. from gaining Luffy's support to ensuring everyone achieves their dreams no matter what it takes, sanji reads him like a book. that shouldn't be a surprise, sanji knowing the core of how zoro works, how his mind operates, how he sees the world, and articulating it all with ease.
that might piss him off more, the casuality of it all. there's so much inside of zoro at this moment, he doesn't know how to stop it from boiling over. sanji isn't bothering with that same restraint, not bothering to keep his words inside, because zoro has once again driven him to action. the tight sensation around his neck from a collar pulled taut says that sanji is past the point of holding back.
if that's the case, so is zoro. )
You wouldn't forgive me so easily if it were the other way around. If I was the one who left you.
( past the point of no return, he's scrapping away all the top layers of their crew until it's come down to something as raw as 'you' and 'i,' neither of which feel as organic to him as 'us'.
zoro's faith in sanji is shaken, and he has doubts, and he's teetering on the edge of disillusionment, but he's not going to told he's absurd for that. 'the other way around' is impossible to fathom, but in a universe where it could happen, and that it does, zoro doubts sanji's faith wouldn't be just as debased, that he wouldn't spend just as much time debating his own uncertainty.
still, how many times are they going to have to have this same argument? they 'talked' about it on the phones, and then they fought over it, and now they're talking about it again. )
How can you talk about leaving and talk about knowing me in the same breath? If you knew me at all, you'd know this would be the only result!
( he shoves sanji away to give himself some room, and because he doesn't want sanji anywhere near him, and because he hates him. he follows that up with grabbing sanji's nice, fancy top with both hands and shaking him, just to show how much he doesn't want to be near him.
we all have someone that we hate so much, we just have to pull them closer. )
If you ever gave a shit, then say it, bastard! Say that I'm your crew and you need me like I need you! Otherwise, there's no point! There's no reason to belong to a crew if you aren't willing to believe in me!
[ the changes in zoro's words from their previous conversations doesn't go unnoticed; sanji has always recognized that when zoro expresses himself, he typically doesn't, instead articulating that everything is either about the crew or about luffy, even when it isn't. but there's no division in this argument which is what contributes to the shudder that runs through sanji now, feeling the personal weight of something left unfinished swimming its way back to the surface.
he knows he isn't wrong in the assumption of a reversal, no matter how impossible the scenario. even in reality, sanji hadn't been the first to leave the team, either, remembering the way they'd all been shaken by usopp's choice to confront luffy in battle and depart. that had taken time, too, for usopp to determine his own role on their crew, to step back up with a certainty of his loyalty rather than simply be offered a welcoming hand before the time was ready.
even if sanji had been desperate to stop the escalation of the fight then, he and zoro had been of the same mind then about the result and what needed to be done.
it's no different here. their fight isn't over. but this time, putting it to the test with boots and swords won't make it go away. the usual methods don't work here, but that's not what zoro's asking for.
say it.
not for luffy. not for the crew. for zoro. but maybe β maybe for sanji, too.
sanji doesn't even try to fight off the strength of those hands when they grab at him, letting the grip reel him in even as he clenches his teeth and nearly hisses like he's ready to put up his defenses in a battle. except when he grabs at zoro's arms, it isn't a counter, his fingers curling around each of his wrists to hold on rather than to try and yank him away. ]
Idiot, of course I need you! [ it's shouted with exasperation and anger, but there's ache in it too, carried on by the guilt that still dwells in him. idiot, he calls him, but zoro has every right to have not believed it. not when sanji had done the very thing to let him down, to make him believe that he hadn't been needed.
they trusted one another, to fill the space the other couldn't, to set the balance, and sanji had broken it. ]
I shouldn't have left. I should have asked for help. I know that! But I came back because I needed my crew! Because it's supposed to be the two of us!
[ he belongs with his nakama, all of them. but his love for the rest of the crew isn't what's on trial right now. ]
You and I β we're supposed to be Luffy's wings, and if one isn't there, then we all fall. [ his fingers squeeze tighter, hands shaking. ] I left you to fall when I doubted myself. I know that shouldn't be forgiven. But I came back, Zoro. Because things only make sense when it's me and you β together. Because I need you just as much as you need me.
( back when usopp left the crew all those years ago, zoro was the last one to allow him to return. it wasn't anything personalβzoro likes usopp as much as he likes any other member of their crewβbut there's something about this life of pirating that zoro isn't willing to let slide, something that conflates his sense of what it means to be a man with what it means to make a promise to someone. you don't get to come and go as you please. when you make an oath to join a crew, you have to stick to it. even if luffy leads his crew in a laidback way any other time, he has to understand that.
eventually, usopp came around and apologized, which made things all right in zoro's book, but he couldn't settle for anything less. had usopp come along with nothing to say for himself, casually, like nothing ever happened, zoro wouldn't have been able to accept it.
and usopp isn't half as close to him as sanji is.
granted, zoro isn't placing all of his crewmates on a scale of importance to him. if asked, he'd likely say that everyone is equal in his eyes, even if that isn't entirely true. everyone is important to him and entitled to his protection, but he has attachments and feelings like anyone else. he'd be hard-pressed to admit a thing like that, though, and what he's doing now doesn't count. admitting the way he needs sanji, making it clear that his world doesn't work unless sanji is in it, that's something separate from the rest of their crew. what he and sanji have is different. anyone can see that.
zoro's hands abandon sanji's shirt and hold onto his face instead, the grip being too gentle to be a grab, but too firm to be considered caressing. it's something in the middle, harsh but mindful. his dumb, shitty facial hair prickles beneath zoro's fingers. )
Why do you feel as if you have to deal with any of that alone? ( more importantly, how could zoro be blind to sanji's insecurities? they all have things they need to improve on, but what kind of doubt is this? how hollow is sanji feeling inside? ) When you're feeling unworthy, look at yourself the way I see you! Tell me when you're feeling bad so I can tell you all the ways you're stupid, and horny, and perverted, and strong, and that I need you!
( it's not impossible to do it alone, but how could zoro ever be happy knowing that his crewmate gave up his dream for his sake? if sanji wants to talk about knowing people, he should know that would never work. he should know that his crew loves him so much that they'd never be okay with a sacrifice like that, because they care about his dreams and his happiness as much as he cares about theirs.
since when did sanji value his own life so lowly? )
...If you do that, if you tell me when you're feeling that way, then I'll forgive you.
[ sanji had thought he'd heard all that he needed to hear from luffy back when he'd been struggling to free himself from his family's shackles (βyou can kick me all you want but you're the one feeling the painβtell me how you really feel) and at the time, it really had been exactly what he needed then. but it hadn't been the end of it, and the recent nightmares he'd been forced to endure the past few days have been proof that a part of him still lingered in the cell of the castle.
it's not something so easily erased, for all the weight that luffy had been able to release from his shoulders, because those vulnerabilities and insecurities still remain a part of him (βbecause that's who are you areβ). the guilt that followed him in witnessing zoro's lasting anger only confirms the parts of him that still question his worth from time to time, the voice instilled in him that still echo with the cries of a young boy wailing to his wretched father, "i'm sorry i was born weak".
if someone like zoro were to hear those words out of his mouth, would he hate him for it? to hear the person he's trusted most to be his equal to fall into such doubt?
it's only now that sanji even realizes that it's been his fear all this time. ever since he arrived here and faced zoro for the first time since he'd left.
but whatever he'd been afraid of letting zoro for fear of being truly despised, it all withers when zoro takes his face in his hands and says the things that sanji had been needing to hear from him. when sanji feels the heat upon his cheeks, it isn't from the closeness, or the grasp of calloused palms against his skin. it's from having a need that's being met word for word, from learning that for all of his fear of being a burden, the person he'd been afraid of disappointing most isn't turning away.
instead, it's all raw and honest, eye meeting eye, stern and open. ]
Okay. [ he says more quietly, low like a whispered promise.
the last time it'd been like that, zoro had also left him with an unexpected truth (βi want it to be meβ) and sanji hadn't known what to do with it either. though he doesn't kiss him this time (even if his gaze does briefly drift to those lips like the quiet pull that always seems to exist beneath the surface of every confrontation), his hands slide down to his hips, fingers curling into the fabric of zoro's shirt to clutch a bit tighter and reel himself in closer.
because so much of sanji's needs live in physicality. if it isn't the typical fire of battle that arises between them, then his language finds other forms of speaking, such as the way he tips his head forward until the top of it nudges against zoro's, offering the very thing that he's been asked to trust him with β vulnerability. ]
I'll come to you first. And you can tell me all of that again. Just ... don't give up on me until then.
( to zoro, it makes sense that they're becoming like this: touchy, handsy, feely. they've had their hands all over one another since the moment they met. how long after sanji joined the crew were they trying to kill each other? a week? a day? touching is so engrained into their relationship that for it to come to this, hands on hips, fingers sliding back into cropped blonde hair and curling there, feels natural. even the way sanji's head rests against his feels right, though it's missing the accompanying yell and glint of teeth bared and ready to bite. it's just fighting with all of the fighting stripped away, new and familiar at once. )
Yeah... I won't.
( he closes his eye, reveling in that sense of shared warmth. it's more than just thumos; it's something about being known, and being there for someone in the ways he always wished he could be. he wants to ask if sanji is selfish enough to think that he's the only one struggling, if he's the only one facing doubts. like if zoro was strong enough for sanji to place his faith in, he would have never had a reason to leave at all. that's zoro's struggle: not being strong enough for the people who need him. or maybe sanji just didn't believe that he was strong enough, which is somehow worse.
was he giving up on sanji, or was sanji giving up on him?
for them to end up here, both of those things have to be true to some extent, right? once upon a time, zoro might have said something like this can never be repaired after being damaged so deeply. now, he isn't sure.
when he opens his eye to look at sanji, his cheeks are more red than before. there's something more final in his gaze, too. )
...Stay here tonight.
( if sanji strains, he can hear the implied 'i want you to' that isn't being said.
unsurprisingly, zoro hadn't noticed the way sanji's gaze trailed down to his lips and lingered there, but zoro can be a bit dense with those things. it doesn't stop him from looking sanji's lips now, and then kissing them with his whole heart. sanji kissed him first, back in the carriage, and this feels like another of those fighting, competitive spirit things between them. zoro has to deliver, since sanji striked first the last time, and zoro can't wait around for sanji to be the one initiate things every time. sometimes, zoro instigates their fights, too. plus, sanji's an idiot. he probably doesn't even get the obvious things, like the fact that he could have kissed zoro at any point, at any time, and it would have been fine with him.
they haven't done anything at all since that time in the carriage, and it's not as if zoro has spent every single day of charm school thinking about it in a completely normal, uninterested sort of way. if anyone asked, he'd say he hadn't thought about it at all. but with the way he kisses sanji now, of course he's thought about it. chances are it's the only thing he's thought about, more than swords and sake combined. zoro has thought about the feeling of sanji's mouth on his the same way that sanji thinks about women: respectfully, mostly. )
[ this really does feel much of the same for them, and yet, not at all. they've always lingered close, foreheads nudged firmly together as they growled their threats between their teeth, often requiring someone like nami-san or usopp to pry them apart before they tore the ship to pieces with their aggressive competitiveness. but the atmosphere changes when truth is expressed out loud for once, rather than assumption, confessions allowing a weight to drift from sanji's shoulders so that he's left drifting helplessly back into zoro's space where a piece of himself has always lived, in one way or another.
he doesn't assume this is the end of it. they'll find another reason to argue again, whether about this or about something petty and inconsequential, but it does feel like he'd been pried free from at least one of his many shackles still gripping him down, and likely what had been the heaviest one as of late. though he still owes it to zoro to prove his trust in him, to rely on the strength that he's always so freely offered to him to lean against, the existence of its invitation is enough to calm the living storm in his heart tonight.
when zoro asks him to stay, he peers up to meet his gaze, no words from his lips even if he already has his answer.
it doesn't matter that they've stayed together in the same room countless times before, numerous nights crammed together in a cabin with the rest of their boys, feet kicking faces while still dozing, mumbled dreams about food and candy and machines all stemming from different voices as they try to catch as much sleep before the early sun, before sanji rises an hour before everyone else just to have breakfast ready by the time all their eyes open.
the difference here is that it's zoro asking, a willingness in his quiet voice, an honest want that sanji isn't left with too much time to consider before the collision of lips keep any sound from leaving him at all.
things in the carriage had happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that sanji had left it with the insistence in pretending it'd never happened at all, aware that sorting out the implications would leave him swirling about amidst his determined reluctance to admit the way he'd allowed it all to happen without much resistance. especially since it'd been his mouth that had first found zoro's then, making the entire thing a lot more complicated to untangle. but if he'd spent any time through his days at the charm school cursing his choices then, there's really no hint of it now, giving in to zoro's kiss as if he'd been starved for it.
the way he kisses him back might suggest that his previous mirrored confession of "i want it to be you" bears a lot more weight even now, especially now, when he knows it's zoro who sees him, who he wants to see him, for all the broken pieces he'd been too frightened to show. just as he wants zoro to see himself for more than just his strength and power, for those raw open wounds to be just as willingly shared in reverse, for their trust to mean exactly as they intended it.
he sighs against his lips, almost in relief, be it from the kiss itself or simply the accumulation of everything else building up to this moment. his fingers clutch tighter now, low at his back, digging against the fabric to grip at the muscle beneath β craving touch, contact, closeness β pulling him in until he can't be pulled any closer. it's the answer to his request β stay here tonight β as he nestles his chest in tightly, mouth meeting mouth to match equal yearning, making it clear that he has no intentions on going anywhere. ]
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no one's asking you to
five hours is too long to wait around for your sorry ass
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If you can't tell me the room number, at least tie a damn shirt or something around the door handle so I know it's yours. I'm not knocking on everyone's rooms to find you.
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do you want to talk to me or not???
( but, fine, whatever, zoro's signature bandana will be hanging from the front of his door by the time sanji comes around. dumb curly-brow can't even find a room without zoro's help... )
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[ which is the last sanji will say on that, hoping that zoro could at least follow some simple directions to save both of them a lot of time. it does take a bit of squinting (with plenty of mumbled swears under his breath) to get a better read of what the number in the photo could be, but he makes his best educated guess and starts his search from there, mostly keeping an eye out for something on the door handles that could narrow down his options.
thankfully, the hunt doesn't take anywhere near the lengthy time it took to find the boat, managing to catch sight of a familiar bandana in about ten minutes.
hoping zoro didn't get lost in the process of actually placing said bandana and slipped it on someone else's door by accident, sanji sighs with an exhale of smoke from the cigarette hanging between his lips as he knocks. ]
Oi, order up for your shitty delivery.
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still, if the cook really is on his way, there's no point in zoro getting settled down or anything. he shouldn't get comfortable if he's going to have someone over, even if it is his nemesis. instead, he should do the proper thing, like straighten up. he doesn't have enough possessions here in this place to come close to creating a mess, but he makes sure all his alcohol bottles are in a row, and that his swords look their best from where they're leaning against a wall. receiving gentleman callers, lecture one.
when he actually answers the door, his face is a bit red from a night of partying. alone. it's still a party if you're alone! why would zoro want to party with other people when his captain isn't here? it wouldn't be the same, so he grabbed as much alcohol as he could and shuffled off his his room to drink in peace.
so, appearance-wise, he really looks like he took five shots and then laid down for a nap afterwards, because he's got the imprint of a pillow on his cheek, and his fine-pressed clothes are all wrinkled. that doesn't bother him, though. he wouldn't have that problem if he was in his normal clothes instead of this stupid uniform... )
Don't think I'm going to be impressed because you followed simple instructions.
( 'come on in, mi casa, su casa,' is what that translates to. )
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Not like I came all the way over here just to get some praise from you.
[ the routine weightless banter is a good thing. it's a sign that they're not as tense with one another as they could be. which means having a conversation ... could be possible. maybe.
he shuffles inside, his eye only vaguely gazing over the room, since he hardly cares about its condition. the fact that it's decently organized is more telling that they're without their crew than anything else, lacking stocks of food stored in hidden compartments for luffy's late night snack needs, medical books piled high from chopper's casual reading, knick knacks in clustered piles for inventions usopp had yet to create, blueprints for a new vehicle that franky would charge into battle, or pages of sheet music for new songs brook would hope to sing. the boys were always crowded in their rooms, enough for sanji to complain about it more often than not (preferring to bunk with nami-san and robin-chan, if he could), but it was home.
for being in his supposed dream paradise, sanji misses them more than he could properly say. just as he would never say that having zoro with him here helps ease the loneliness and pain of that distance more than that idiot would probably ever acknowledge.
but he'd never say that.
instead, he just takes a seat on the edge of the bed, pinching the cigarette from his lips to breathe out yet another sigh. ]
Alright. I'm here.
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( sanji is here because zoro invited him and sanji turned up.
that should have been expected.
there's never been a time when zoro looked for him and he wasn't there, barring that time when it was exactly like that, and sanji was gone, and luffy and the others went off to find him. it's hard to think of things in terms of what's normal and what's not when sanji's actions upheaved zoro's sense of normalcy so abruptly. it's like when usopp left, sort of. nothing was right for a while, even when they had to pretend that it was. zoro could have invited him here and sanji could have disappeared again, ran off on his own, alone, against luffy's wishes, again, because he doesn't know luffy's wishes at all, and the last thing luffy would wish for is to see sanji trapped out of misaligned duty. how could luffy ever be happy with a thing like that weighing in his heart? how could any of them everβ
zoro's saying that's enough of that topic for now, since that isn't why sanji is here. on the one hand, zoro doesn't feel obligated to explain jack shit to sanji. on the other, as his nakama, there's no one zoro wants to talk to more.
he sits on the bed across from him, on his roommate's bed, [the roommate that zoro paid absolutely no attention to], and reaches for one of the bottles that still has something in it. )
I'm marrying Tsukuyo. And unlike you, I don't fall in love with every woman I lay my eyes on. She's the only woman I'll ever want, so this isn't just about getting us all closer to going home.
...
It shouldn't make a difference to you regardless.
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but right now, it's just them, managing patience and willingness, an effort to understand, that sanji can hear the bed sink beneath zoro's weight as he sits down and even the breath he takes before he finally speaks out what's needed to be said.
for a moment, sanji wonders if he should be more surprised. but the hints had been there, from the moment annie had mentioned something between those two, to zoro's defensiveness of tsu-chan against his interactions, to the entire living situation that sanji had insisted he was somehow keeping in line by moving himself in. that part doesn't bring any surprise. sanji had predicted the marriage bit already.
it's the rest of it that makes him still, that keeps him staring at zoro in that pensive silence, brow a little furrowed to suggest the collecting of his own thoughts. ]
βthe hell do you mean by that?
[ he mutters, quietly albeit a little annoyed. cigarette still between his fingers, he brings up a hand, rubbing it against his temple as he closes his eyes, sighing yet again. he feels like he'll lose all of his breath with how much zoro's words and actions seem to keep drawing it all out of him. ]
Of course it makes a difference.
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( zoro is hopeless at this.
he can feel the way that his words aren't enough to convey what he's feeling, as told by sanji, apparently, just not getting it at all. it's only because they're not those kinds of people. Luffy is the one who says what he means without fear, with his whole heart, no matter how asinine or genuine they might be. zoro leaves that sort of thing to Luffy, and it works out for him. their thoughts and beliefs are in alignment so often that zoro doesn't have to worry about his feelings being misconstrued. He's the sort of captain who understands when it's important, and they always understand each other when they need to.
for a while, zoro had assumed he and sanji were the same way. they both just get it, so there's no reason for them to have moments like this where they say it out loud. when did that change? was it before those years apart? after he left the crew? when he returned? )
What I do has nothing to do with you, so it doesn't matter. I don't need your permission, or your blessing. I'm only telling you this as a courtesy, not because I owe it to you...
So, focus on things that make you happy while we're here. I'll take care of Lady Pheme.
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[ sanji rises back up on his feet before he can stop himself, feeling that pang of frustration building in his chest, tight and swelling. it has to be for the same reason it always is, that anything zoro speaks about anything, it's only natural to feel annoyed, to want to kick that dumb face until it's unrecognizable.
except it's not, and he knows it's not.
his teeth are clenching tight, cigarette practically broken in half at this point. his visual eye certainly appears angry, that curly brow furrowed intensely, but there's a noticeable hurt in it too. ]
You can't give me that shit about permission and blessing when we're talking about you and then suddenly talk about what makes me happy.
[ of course sanji's permission isn't needed. he's not luffy. he's not zoro's captain. but it's not about that, it's never been about that.
and before he can bite his tongue to keep the next words from slipping out of his mouth β ]
You really think that I don't care about just making sure you're happy too!? Does that make no difference!?
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why isn't sanji striking out at him?
that's more confusing than the words he's saying, which is hard to beat because sanji's words make no sense at all to zoro. he wants to respond, but he wants to slice him in half for being an utter moron. he doesn't get to speak lightly about this sort of thing.
seriously, where does zoro begin? happiness? since when does sanji care about his happiness? )
...Damn it, Love Cook.
I already told you: she's the only woman I'll ever want. Don't make it sound like being with her is some kind of death sentence... And don't talk to me about joy when it's clear you don't know what would make me the happiest.
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[ in reality, this has nothing to do with tsukuyo. even in the short time of living in the same boat with her, sanji has grown to like her plenty (even outside of the fact that he likes any woman easily without much effort) and whether or not it'd be easy to imagine zoro settling down with anyone at all, it's not difficult to assume he has plenty of care for her. besides, zoro wouldn't do something if he really hated it (he can brag about doing just about anything out of loyalty, but even sanji knows that zoro listens to his own gut when it actually matters), so there's no concern that this would be any kind of torture.
no, what frustrates sanji to his core is the idea that zoro really believes it wouldn't matter to him. to be told out of mere courtesy rather than the idea that, as nakama, sanji would want the best for him. ]
You think I don't already know that the minute we find Luffy again, you'll tell him that Tsu-chan's a good woman so we can take her with us? That nothing's more important to you than Luffy's support? That being with the crew and making sure we're all doing what we set out to do is what matters for you?
[ he scoffs, plucking his broken cigarette from his mouth to toss to the floor, the bottom of his heel stomping it out as he charges the few steps forward to snag zoro by the collar. ]
Did what I do really shatter your trust in me that much? Do you think that I don't know you at all?
[ that he doesn't care?
such as the way that zoro works out across about eighty percent of his waking hours and that sanji specially prepares his rice to make sure to maximize his intake of recovered energy so he doesn't exhaust himself and his unsweetened tea to specifically help reduce the soreness in his muscles so his body doesn't ache. or that, while he keeps every bit of consumable food locked away outside of dining hours, sanji will always leave out a good bottle of sake because he knows it helps relax zoro's mood before he dozes off. ]
Stop acting like you assume I don't give a shit about you!
[ even if he'll say that he doesn't a thousand times over. the point of what they are is to know that those words don't have truth to it. they're supposed to already know. that's why he's never had to say it before now. ]
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that might piss him off more, the casuality of it all. there's so much inside of zoro at this moment, he doesn't know how to stop it from boiling over. sanji isn't bothering with that same restraint, not bothering to keep his words inside, because zoro has once again driven him to action. the tight sensation around his neck from a collar pulled taut says that sanji is past the point of holding back.
if that's the case, so is zoro. )
You wouldn't forgive me so easily if it were the other way around. If I was the one who left you.
( past the point of no return, he's scrapping away all the top layers of their crew until it's come down to something as raw as 'you' and 'i,' neither of which feel as organic to him as 'us'.
zoro's faith in sanji is shaken, and he has doubts, and he's teetering on the edge of disillusionment, but he's not going to told he's absurd for that. 'the other way around' is impossible to fathom, but in a universe where it could happen, and that it does, zoro doubts sanji's faith wouldn't be just as debased, that he wouldn't spend just as much time debating his own uncertainty.
still, how many times are they going to have to have this same argument? they 'talked' about it on the phones, and then they fought over it, and now they're talking about it again. )
How can you talk about leaving and talk about knowing me in the same breath? If you knew me at all, you'd know this would be the only result!
( he shoves sanji away to give himself some room, and because he doesn't want sanji anywhere near him, and because he hates him. he follows that up with grabbing sanji's nice, fancy top with both hands and shaking him, just to show how much he doesn't want to be near him.
we all have someone that we hate so much, we just have to pull them closer. )
If you ever gave a shit, then say it, bastard! Say that I'm your crew and you need me like I need you! Otherwise, there's no point! There's no reason to belong to a crew if you aren't willing to believe in me!
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he knows he isn't wrong in the assumption of a reversal, no matter how impossible the scenario. even in reality, sanji hadn't been the first to leave the team, either, remembering the way they'd all been shaken by usopp's choice to confront luffy in battle and depart. that had taken time, too, for usopp to determine his own role on their crew, to step back up with a certainty of his loyalty rather than simply be offered a welcoming hand before the time was ready.
even if sanji had been desperate to stop the escalation of the fight then, he and zoro had been of the same mind then about the result and what needed to be done.
it's no different here. their fight isn't over. but this time, putting it to the test with boots and swords won't make it go away. the usual methods don't work here, but that's not what zoro's asking for.
say it.
not for luffy. not for the crew. for zoro. but maybe β maybe for sanji, too.
sanji doesn't even try to fight off the strength of those hands when they grab at him, letting the grip reel him in even as he clenches his teeth and nearly hisses like he's ready to put up his defenses in a battle. except when he grabs at zoro's arms, it isn't a counter, his fingers curling around each of his wrists to hold on rather than to try and yank him away. ]
Idiot, of course I need you! [ it's shouted with exasperation and anger, but there's ache in it too, carried on by the guilt that still dwells in him. idiot, he calls him, but zoro has every right to have not believed it. not when sanji had done the very thing to let him down, to make him believe that he hadn't been needed.
they trusted one another, to fill the space the other couldn't, to set the balance, and sanji had broken it. ]
I shouldn't have left. I should have asked for help. I know that! But I came back because I needed my crew! Because it's supposed to be the two of us!
[ he belongs with his nakama, all of them. but his love for the rest of the crew isn't what's on trial right now. ]
You and I β we're supposed to be Luffy's wings, and if one isn't there, then we all fall. [ his fingers squeeze tighter, hands shaking. ] I left you to fall when I doubted myself. I know that shouldn't be forgiven. But I came back, Zoro. Because things only make sense when it's me and you β together. Because I need you just as much as you need me.
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eventually, usopp came around and apologized, which made things all right in zoro's book, but he couldn't settle for anything less. had usopp come along with nothing to say for himself, casually, like nothing ever happened, zoro wouldn't have been able to accept it.
and usopp isn't half as close to him as sanji is.
granted, zoro isn't placing all of his crewmates on a scale of importance to him. if asked, he'd likely say that everyone is equal in his eyes, even if that isn't entirely true. everyone is important to him and entitled to his protection, but he has attachments and feelings like anyone else. he'd be hard-pressed to admit a thing like that, though, and what he's doing now doesn't count. admitting the way he needs sanji, making it clear that his world doesn't work unless sanji is in it, that's something separate from the rest of their crew. what he and sanji have is different. anyone can see that.
zoro's hands abandon sanji's shirt and hold onto his face instead, the grip being too gentle to be a grab, but too firm to be considered caressing. it's something in the middle, harsh but mindful. his dumb, shitty facial hair prickles beneath zoro's fingers. )
Why do you feel as if you have to deal with any of that alone? ( more importantly, how could zoro be blind to sanji's insecurities? they all have things they need to improve on, but what kind of doubt is this? how hollow is sanji feeling inside? ) When you're feeling unworthy, look at yourself the way I see you! Tell me when you're feeling bad so I can tell you all the ways you're stupid, and horny, and perverted, and strong, and that I need you!
( it's not impossible to do it alone, but how could zoro ever be happy knowing that his crewmate gave up his dream for his sake? if sanji wants to talk about knowing people, he should know that would never work. he should know that his crew loves him so much that they'd never be okay with a sacrifice like that, because they care about his dreams and his happiness as much as he cares about theirs.
since when did sanji value his own life so lowly? )
...If you do that, if you tell me when you're feeling that way, then I'll forgive you.
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it's not something so easily erased, for all the weight that luffy had been able to release from his shoulders, because those vulnerabilities and insecurities still remain a part of him (βbecause that's who are you areβ). the guilt that followed him in witnessing zoro's lasting anger only confirms the parts of him that still question his worth from time to time, the voice instilled in him that still echo with the cries of a young boy wailing to his wretched father, "i'm sorry i was born weak".
if someone like zoro were to hear those words out of his mouth, would he hate him for it? to hear the person he's trusted most to be his equal to fall into such doubt?
it's only now that sanji even realizes that it's been his fear all this time. ever since he arrived here and faced zoro for the first time since he'd left.
but whatever he'd been afraid of letting zoro for fear of being truly despised, it all withers when zoro takes his face in his hands and says the things that sanji had been needing to hear from him. when sanji feels the heat upon his cheeks, it isn't from the closeness, or the grasp of calloused palms against his skin. it's from having a need that's being met word for word, from learning that for all of his fear of being a burden, the person he'd been afraid of disappointing most isn't turning away.
instead, it's all raw and honest, eye meeting eye, stern and open. ]
Okay. [ he says more quietly, low like a whispered promise.
the last time it'd been like that, zoro had also left him with an unexpected truth (βi want it to be meβ) and sanji hadn't known what to do with it either. though he doesn't kiss him this time (even if his gaze does briefly drift to those lips like the quiet pull that always seems to exist beneath the surface of every confrontation), his hands slide down to his hips, fingers curling into the fabric of zoro's shirt to clutch a bit tighter and reel himself in closer.
because so much of sanji's needs live in physicality. if it isn't the typical fire of battle that arises between them, then his language finds other forms of speaking, such as the way he tips his head forward until the top of it nudges against zoro's, offering the very thing that he's been asked to trust him with β vulnerability. ]
I'll come to you first. And you can tell me all of that again. Just ... don't give up on me until then.
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Yeah... I won't.
( he closes his eye, reveling in that sense of shared warmth. it's more than just thumos; it's something about being known, and being there for someone in the ways he always wished he could be. he wants to ask if sanji is selfish enough to think that he's the only one struggling, if he's the only one facing doubts. like if zoro was strong enough for sanji to place his faith in, he would have never had a reason to leave at all. that's zoro's struggle: not being strong enough for the people who need him. or maybe sanji just didn't believe that he was strong enough, which is somehow worse.
was he giving up on sanji, or was sanji giving up on him?
for them to end up here, both of those things have to be true to some extent, right? once upon a time, zoro might have said something like this can never be repaired after being damaged so deeply. now, he isn't sure.
when he opens his eye to look at sanji, his cheeks are more red than before. there's something more final in his gaze, too. )
...Stay here tonight.
( if sanji strains, he can hear the implied 'i want you to' that isn't being said.
unsurprisingly, zoro hadn't noticed the way sanji's gaze trailed down to his lips and lingered there, but zoro can be a bit dense with those things. it doesn't stop him from looking sanji's lips now, and then kissing them with his whole heart. sanji kissed him first, back in the carriage, and this feels like another of those fighting, competitive spirit things between them. zoro has to deliver, since sanji striked first the last time, and zoro can't wait around for sanji to be the one initiate things every time. sometimes, zoro instigates their fights, too. plus, sanji's an idiot. he probably doesn't even get the obvious things, like the fact that he could have kissed zoro at any point, at any time, and it would have been fine with him.
they haven't done anything at all since that time in the carriage, and it's not as if zoro has spent every single day of charm school thinking about it in a completely normal, uninterested sort of way. if anyone asked, he'd say he hadn't thought about it at all. but with the way he kisses sanji now, of course he's thought about it. chances are it's the only thing he's thought about, more than swords and sake combined. zoro has thought about the feeling of sanji's mouth on his the same way that sanji thinks about women: respectfully, mostly. )
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he doesn't assume this is the end of it. they'll find another reason to argue again, whether about this or about something petty and inconsequential, but it does feel like he'd been pried free from at least one of his many shackles still gripping him down, and likely what had been the heaviest one as of late. though he still owes it to zoro to prove his trust in him, to rely on the strength that he's always so freely offered to him to lean against, the existence of its invitation is enough to calm the living storm in his heart tonight.
when zoro asks him to stay, he peers up to meet his gaze, no words from his lips even if he already has his answer.
it doesn't matter that they've stayed together in the same room countless times before, numerous nights crammed together in a cabin with the rest of their boys, feet kicking faces while still dozing, mumbled dreams about food and candy and machines all stemming from different voices as they try to catch as much sleep before the early sun, before sanji rises an hour before everyone else just to have breakfast ready by the time all their eyes open.
the difference here is that it's zoro asking, a willingness in his quiet voice, an honest want that sanji isn't left with too much time to consider before the collision of lips keep any sound from leaving him at all.
things in the carriage had happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that sanji had left it with the insistence in pretending it'd never happened at all, aware that sorting out the implications would leave him swirling about amidst his determined reluctance to admit the way he'd allowed it all to happen without much resistance. especially since it'd been his mouth that had first found zoro's then, making the entire thing a lot more complicated to untangle. but if he'd spent any time through his days at the charm school cursing his choices then, there's really no hint of it now, giving in to zoro's kiss as if he'd been starved for it.
the way he kisses him back might suggest that his previous mirrored confession of "i want it to be you" bears a lot more weight even now, especially now, when he knows it's zoro who sees him, who he wants to see him, for all the broken pieces he'd been too frightened to show. just as he wants zoro to see himself for more than just his strength and power, for those raw open wounds to be just as willingly shared in reverse, for their trust to mean exactly as they intended it.
he sighs against his lips, almost in relief, be it from the kiss itself or simply the accumulation of everything else building up to this moment. his fingers clutch tighter now, low at his back, digging against the fabric to grip at the muscle beneath β craving touch, contact, closeness β pulling him in until he can't be pulled any closer. it's the answer to his request β stay here tonight β as he nestles his chest in tightly, mouth meeting mouth to match equal yearning, making it clear that he has no intentions on going anywhere. ]